Our Host (In Lala Land Mode): Happy birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday third planet.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy Earth Day, Earth. How you doing today?
Earth: Great, same as always…but today’s not my birthday.

Our Host: Ya!, but it’s the next-best-closest thing we have.
Earth: You mean an almost 122nd rotation of this revolution that one of the inhabitant
species has named for Earth itself, as a Thank you by demonstrating support by
providing awareness about protecting Earth. Who started this thing?

Our Host: Well, it was first celebrated in 1970 but we have come a far way and this time
it is being celebrated in more than 193 countries.
Earth: What about the rest of countries?
Our Host: They are not arrogant, it’s just that there’s some paperwork involved.
Earth: Political paperwork?
Our Host: Kinda.
Earth: Ha! You humans!
Still, Thank You for putting away one of every three sixty-fifth day to give a shit about where you are living.

Our Host: I’d say, “It’s a good start .”
Earth: 2017 minus 1970 equals 47. You call a total of 47 days, a good start? You know how long I’ve been here?
Our Host: What, a couple of billion years?
F.A.L.(Fake Audience Laughter)

Earth: Still, I’m curious, what do you guys do for the whole day?
Our Host: Have you never noticed our effort.

Earth: To be honest, there are a lot of rallies by people wearing different hats and I stopped keeping track of these things a long while ago. Last best thing I noticed was Renaissance in humans.
Our Host: Actually, there are a lot of people who work for the whole year on these type of things, this day is more like an awareness campaign ranging from one day to a full week.

Earth: Oh, so some people are working full year on this? I mean how have they convinced themselves that Earth needs to be saved?
Our Host: You know, global warming among others, if continued, would not be fine.

Earth: You said among other things. I’m curious what other things you have convinced yourselves are dangerous to Earth?
Our Host: Pollution, Climate Change, Ocean Acidification, Ozone layer depletion and Fossil Depletion of the top of my mind.

Earth: Here are a few of my real issues, of the top of my mind: Earthquakes, Volcanoes, Plate tectonics, Continental Drifts, Solar Flares, Sunspot, Magnetic storms, Magnetic reversal of poles, hundreds of years of bombardment by Comets, Asteroids and Meteorites, Worldwide Floods and Fires, Tidal Waves, Erosion, Cosmic rays, recurring ice ages and you think some plastic bags, Aluminium cans, and cigarette butts are gonna destroy Earth.
F.A.L.( Fake Audience Laugh)

Our Host: I’ll again say, “It’s a good start.” Actually, we have a fan who wanted to ask a question relating to this, If it’s OK.
Fan: Okay, we are not doing much that contributes to ‘Saving Earth’. But people have come together for those 47 years and many have spent whole lifetimes in ‘Saving-Something’. I work in the government and I know for a fact that 0.45% of the whole budget was spent in ‘Saving-Something.’ So what’s that something we have been saving while sugar-coating by saying we are saving Earth? I’ve looked into it and I am actually worried about what is it that is in immense danger that needs to be saved in the name of Earth.

Earth: Okay, Let’s go back to my last best thing that humans did: Renaissance. Now, if you take anyone in the world and ask them these questions:

  • Do you think you will spend more time of your life in a selfish manner or more time in helping others?
  • Do you think everyone had suspected for at least once, everyone’s else’s moral code?

Now, all the good ideas and theories that you can get about these answers developed in the 17th century during French Revolution. Just stay with me, coz it does circle back around. There came the great ideas of giving unprecedented importance to human self, whatever that maybe if anything. So, there came a huge sweep of the mindset of humanity which decided that it was a good thing to differentiate between human beings and animals. And, thus not to treat humans the same way as animals. Every great idea that now constitutes our civilized world, developed and got out of this change of mindset. Thus the answer to the first question became quite clear:

  • Are you special? Are others special too? Yes and Yeah!
  • What is the most important thing to consider while in a tough moral situation?

Following first answer, without any doubt, the answer to the second question has always been ‘Humanity.’
Now think about an Earth-like system, in which the top priority has always been ‘Humanity’ and it’s ‘Prosperity’. Of course, you are going to run into some problems like Global Warming, Worldwide-crime, Deforestation, Pollution and these are the ones which have been here for a long-long time. And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care.

Fan: I just want to be clear, was your answer ‘Humans are in danger’ not ‘Earth’.
Earth: For a lack of a better word: ‘Yes, Humanity is in more danger than Earth’. You can be crystal clear about it if you can just pass beside your narrow unenlightened self-interest, where you’ll find that there’s nothing wrong with this planet; I am just fine. The people are fucked up, compared to the people, I am doing great. It’s the people who have declared themselves so important that their war-cry is Save Planet instead of Save Humanity. What do you even mean by cleaning the environment? Clean water for whom? Clean air for whom? Clean soil for whom? Ozone Layer for whom? Reasonable temperature for whom? For humans themselves, right? And where are you gonna dump the waste?

Our Host: Somewhere far far away…
Earth: …on Earth.
F.A.L.

Our Host: Okay agreeing that our attempts at cleaning the environment have nothing actually to do with Saving Earth, but saving endangered species, there’s something real good, right?
Earth: Just leave nature alone. Haven’t you guys done enough already? Because here’s the hypocrisy in this: Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant attempt by humans to control nature. You know, you haven’t even named 1% of the total species that lived here. Few species get extinct each and every day and has been for eons and that is regardless of human behavior. The only reason to preserve those species would be, that you want to watch them or eat them. Again nothing much to do with saving Earth as is about self-important, intelligent human beings. Stop trying to control the nature, it is far more complex than your current thinking is. By the way, trying controlling the nature, isn’t that what got you guys into trouble in the first place.

F.A.L.

But yeah if baby pandas were getting extinct, and you had two choices that

  • you could in some humanly intelligent way preserve a species which is getting extinct.
  • or not.

Of course, the first one sounds more reasonable, even if the only thing you could do is watch how beautiful they are and feel bad that they’ll go someday in the future.
F.A.L.

Our Host: Okay, here’s my last attempt at this: How about Global Warming?
Earth: Here’s how I define myself, in case you didn’t know:

  • I came into existence as the third gas cloud of our Solar System
  • I lost almost 25% of my mass during an asteroid collision in my early childhood, thus creating a very big moon out of it when I was hotter than even Venus.
  • I am not gonna tell you how exactly Life started, but it did.
  • Then they evolved into millions of species including big and small dinosaurs, schools of fishes and now you guys.

All this combined is what makes me, me.
Now here are two facts for Global Warming lovers:

  1. Humans prefer to live in a temperature range of 3-4 degrees Celsius to 30-40 degrees Celsius.
  2. Humans prefer to live on land as well. So, if the temperature of Earth kept on increasing like it is now, someday all the glaciers will melt and all the Land as we know it would be underwater and all humans will die and after few thousand years I’ll recover myself and after a few Ice-Ages, everything will be back to normal. The only difference would be that humans will be gone.

So please enlighten me how are Global Warming and increasing temperature a problem of Earth and not humans.
Our Host: Okay seriously one last thing, if nothing worked, what are you going to do about plastic bags?
Earth: Seriously, if everything died and it is true that Polyethene is immortal, I’ll change my name to Earth+Plastic. Then if someone asked ‘Why were humans here?’ I’ll say Plastic. Would you like your real legacy to be Plastic?
F.A.L.
Trust me, If you were talking in 1950s, you would’ve been concerned about Atomic Bombs with the same intensity.

Our Host: Is there anything that we are doing, right, according to you?
Earth: I don’t know completely what you do, tell me the biggest thing that you did last time.

Our Host: Lemme google it. Just a minute. Yup, Paris Agreement; representatives of 170 countries met to sign Climate Agreement.
Earth: Again some political paperwork? Any big impacts till then?

Our Host: I am thinking is it possible that there was some good work done and maybe media forgot to cover it?
Earth: Wow! Two most creative concepts ever, intertwined as if they are the same thing: Society-Media Equilibria.

Our Host: What would you want us to do?
Earth: How about stop bombing each other, every other day. It looks like you really need someone to tell you what to do? You guys don’t even know how to take care of yourselves yet you’re going to save the fucking planet. Again, the Planet is fine, always been, always will be; people are fucked. See the difference? And the reality is you can’t do that much to save the planet. Look at my list of problems above if you are not so sure about it.
So, here’s what I want you to do, you have tried to spread awareness using the same philosophy of every religion: – by using people’s own fear on themselves. You’ve tried to get people to do good things in the name of Earth. Didn’t work with the same efficiency you expected it to? Why would it? Can’t you see the results from religion that sucking on people’s fears doesn’t work for a long time? So if you wanna try something new, get a rational person around you. Talk with him/her alone. Tell them Earth doesn’t need to be saved. Global Warming, Pollution, Climate: these are not Earth’s problems at all. These are only and only humans’ problems, created by humans and I’m pretty sure there isn’t any guardian angel coming to save anyone. If that doesn’t scare the shit out of y’all, I don’t know what will. Humanity’s a lost cause then.

Our Host: Going by your religious analogy, here’s the real problem: Just like there’s a little difficulty that everyone faces in empathizing with never seen but an awesome thing called God. Same goes for empathizing with never seen next generation of children, who are also supposedly as awesome as God. But all of these environmental problems are gonna start being a problem to them when most people alive right now will be long gone. So, you yourself can see how many selfish individuals want to work for such a selfless cause.

Earth: You know what I think I’m gonna get out of here now because it’s really ironic that it’s called anything other than Humanity’s Day.
Here’s a Thank you note from me, send it to as many people as you can. It’s for your own good:
“We know only one place worth living, so we should think about really hard about where we’d go to live, once we have fully fucked this planet up.”